IT’S OFFICIAL – GALAXY CHOCOLATE HAS JOINED THE VEGANG REVOLUTION

galaxy vegan chocolate in tesco
Hi, Pathetically

I feel like I’m living that classic scene from the U.S. version of The Office. “Oh my god. Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm… Stay fucking CALM!” Vegan dreams do come true, because Galaxy chocolate and Mars Inc. have finally joined the vegan revolution. And it’s every bit as luxurious and dreamy as we imagined it might be.

As usual, in the early stages of a much anticipated vegan supermarket release, Instagram’s the messenger. First it’s a coming attraction. Then people start finding the products and posting about them. And if they’re worth following, they share the locations of their discoveries. This time, Tesco’s Free From aisle’s the place to be.

I’ve learnt to head out on these kind of adventures with an air of trepidation. Don’t get your hopes up too much. It usually takes a while for them to filter through into general consumption. But when I rounded the corner of the Surrey Quays Shopping Centre Tesco Free From aisle, there they were. A light shining down on them. Angelic orchestral music playing in my ears. Like something out of Wayne’s World. “It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.” And it was.

So far, the chocolate’s available in three different flavours; Caramel and Sea Salt, Caramlised Hazelnut and Smooth Orange. Hoping not to come across too keen, I grabbed two. Caramel and Sea Salt and Caramelised Hazelnut. And headed home. Secretly wishing I’d completed the set.

Admittedly, I couldn’t wait ’til I got home. I nibbled on the bus. And straight away, it’s Galaxy chocolate through and through. Indulgent. Luxurious. Creamy. Oh man, how I’ve missed you. And the best news is there’s no soya and no palm oil. Smooth Orange, I’ll be back!

For now, the bars are £3 each. Hopefully it goes down as the product gets more and more popular. But encouragingly, and unlike regular Galaxy chocolate, the outer packaging’s recyclable and the inner film sleeve’s 100% compostable. So ethically, it seems like an expense worth paying for, right?

BEYOND MEAT’S BEYOND SAUSAGE – BEAT ON THE BRAT. PLANT-BASED DREAMS DO COME TRUE

beyond meat beyond sausage
Hi, Pathetically

I remember when Beyond Meat and Impossible Burgers were far-off Instagram fantasy posts by U.S. vegan celebs. They seemed unreal. Like “liquid smoke” and Field Roast sausages. Nice, in theory. But too fantastical to ever imagine cooking at home. Then I remembered it’s 2019. And plant-based dreams do come true. Every week.

Recently, Tesco beefed up its vegan meat options BIG time. Adding new plant-based sections in superstores across the country. And two of the stars of the show are chilled (not frozen) Beyond Burger patties and the, until very recently, fabled Beyond Sausage.

A couple weeks ago, Lewis Hamilton’s new restaurant, Neat Burger, became the first vegan burger joint in the U.K. to add Beyond Sausage to the menu. Halo Burger soon followed. And now here we are. Beyond Sausage. In Tescos. In my kitchen. Ready to go.

Until now, finding convincing plant-based sausage alternatives has been hit or miss. And mostly miss. Sainsbury’s has a good mushroom-based chorizo option. Heck’s Bollywood Bangers are tasty, but very plant-based. Fry’s Smoked Hot Dogs are decent, when dressed properly. And that’s about it, really. Tofurky? No worky.

The Beyond Sausage, on the other hand, is a proper game changer. It tastes just like the real thing. Not a strip of spiced cauliflower and pulses, or a chorizo-flavoured shroomdog. When I tried Neat Burger’s Neat Sausage I literally could not believe it. The Beyond Sausage tastes like an actual grilled beef sausage. Like South African boerewors.

The first time I cooked them at home I kept things simple. Rolls. Mustard. Ketchup. Fried onions. But the second time I went all out. I made a caramelised onion and balsamic vinegar gravy. A creamy potato root mash. And grilled the sausages like bangers. It was incredible. A new permanent addition to my weekly cooking rota.

THE BEYOND MEAT BEYOND BURGER – BEYOND FAST FOOD. BEYOND TAKEAWAY. IN YOUR KITCHEN

Hi, Pathetically

I remember when Beyond Meat first launched the Beyond Burger in the U.K. Before mega-chains like Honest Burgers, Byron and BrewDog were serving them on tap the patties were meant to be available at Tesco stores across London. I looked for them. A lot. Months apart. At several jumbo stores. But I never found any*.

So Beyond Burgers became a novelty. A mysterious treat I enjoyed at dreamy joints like Halo Burger, Vurger and Co., and most recently, Neat Burger. Until I found a pack of two in Whole Foods, Piccadilly Circus’ frozen vegetarian section and kicked down that vegan fourth wall, with added Follow Your Heart Pepper Jack cheese slices and SGAIA’S Streaky Mheat Rashers. Burger night would never be the same again.

I couldn’t believe it. In my own kitchen. The packaging looked so unassuming. Like I’d bought any old Vivera, Linda McCartney, supermarket brand “soy protein” burgers. Not Beyond Burgers. Not the real, “bleeding-vegan” deal.

“Made from plants. Soy free. Gluten free.” So what is it? Pea protein, expeller-pressed canola oil and refined coconut oil. Mostly. Plus “two percent” or less experimental vegan science like bamboo cellulose, vegetable glycerine and methylcellulose (and a bunch of extracts, acids and other things you’d probably rather not know too much about).

Still, in moderation, Beyond Burgers are meant to be healthier than processed beef. And of course, ethically and environmentally there’s no comparison. If meat is murder (and it is), Beyond Meat is a life saver. Interestingly, although they’re processed, some nutritionists don’t even classify the patties as junk food. Either way, one thing I’ve never had is the vegan meat sweats.

Just like any regular beef burger, you have to know what you’re doing when it comes to cooking Beyond Burgers. You can’t just throw them on the pan, poke them around a bit and hope for the best. Just ask Honest Burgers. There’s an art to a good Beyond Burger.

Hi, Pathetically

As someone who liked his burgers medium to well-done, I like to cook my vegan burgers more or less the same. And even then, there’s an art. Between overcooking and drying it out and cooking it just right, so it’s not bloody but it’s still juicy and full of flavour. And let me tell you, I nailed it.

Just before serving I fried up my vegan rashers, laid my cheese slices on my patties under the grill and dressed my bun with lettuce, vegan mayo, sriracha mayo, ketchup, mustard and pickles. Then I popped the melted cheese-topped patties on the lettuce side of the buns, crossed two bacon strips over them and neatly positioned the sauce side of the bun on top. I was in vegan burger heaven. Not quite Halo Burger good. But way better than Honest Burgers. So a winning start, really…

* looks like the burgers are available from Tesco online. But who buys groceries online, right?

PULLED OUMPH! & OUMPH! KEBAB SPICED – DELICIOUS SOYA “MEAT” CHUNKS STRAIGHT OUT OF THE KEBAB SHOP

Hi, Pathetically

No one I ask has ever heard of Oumph! It’s like some kind of hush-hush full-time vegan secret that just seemed to appear one day. First there was BBQ Pulled Oumph! Then came Oumph! Kebab Spiced. And now there’s a new Oumph! Burger, which I haven’t tried yet. So people are obviously buying the stuff.

The “meat” itself is pretty damn convincing – especially for frozen, pulled supermarket soya pieces. The taste and texture reminds me of What the Pitta’s amazing vegan kebab “meat.” Or at least a frozen, DIY version. But still… believe me, that’s high praise indeed.

I’ve tried both versions of the Swedish company’s pulled soya meat. In wraps with homemade hummus. On loaded rosemary fries with Garlic Aioli Vegenaise and sriracha. With roast potatoes. Rice. And roasted vegetables. And Oumph! never disappoints. It’s simple. It’s delicious. And it’s easy to dress up and enjoy.

TESCO VEGAN JALAPENO & CHILLI CHEDDAR – TANGY COCONUT OIL ALTERNATIVE TO SPICE UP YOUR LIFE

Hi, Pathetically

Look, we all know a lot of supermarket vegan cheese is garbage. Especially when it comes to supermarket own brands. It’s a learning curve. And while Tesco’s litigation-dodging “Free From Coconut Oil Alternative to Jalapeno and Chilli Cheddar” is no I AM NUT OKAY, or Black Arts Vegan, it’s 100% tasty melted on a slice of toast or in a grilled cheese sandwich.

I always used to like spicy cheddar more than the real thing. It’s the lingering kick, I guess, that adds to the otherwise simplistic flavour. But the coconut oil cheese, itself, is firmer and tastier than other similar supermarket alternatives I’ve tried as well. It’s more like actual cheddar. Especially melted – the improved state of being for most supermarket vegan cheese.

You might not bring it out on a board with a bunch of figs and some perfectly paired wine. But it is tasty. And super convenient, if you want some easy, supermarket cheddar to melt into the gaping cheese-shaped hole in your vegan life.

KIRSTY’S CLASSIC MARGHERITA – THE NO-FRILLS FROZEN VEGAN PIZZA YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

kirtsys vegan pizza
Hi, Pathetically

Fuck falafel. Fuck artichoke. Fuck onion. Sometimes you just want a frozen pizza with some cheese on it. Something easy, that you can stick in the oven at the end of a long day. That doesn’t taste like feet. And so far, Kirsty’s Classic Margherita is the best frozen vegan-friendly supermarket pizza I’ve stumbled across.

Kirsty’s was started by “Lancashire mum” – and 2010 Dragon’s Den contestant – Kirsty Henshaw. Inspired by her son’s allergies and intolerances, Kirsty decided to start her own “healthy” free-from chilled and frozen food empire. But so far, I’ve only found her pizza in a few big Tescos. In the frozen vegetarian / vegan sections.

To be honest, it’s a good frozen pizza. Period. Tasty. Simple. To the point. And for a vegan pizza, it really doesn’t feel like anything’s missing on the classic, gooey margherita front. The base is thin and crispy. The tomato sauce is rich and tasty. And the cheese alternative is sticky and way more cowabunga than your average supermarket “free from” bullshit.

Looking at the list of ingredients, you’re not quite sure what to make of it. But then again. It’s a frozen pizza. It’s not organic kombucha. And ultimately, if you’re looking for Netflix and chilled, Kirsty’s delivers. Well, Tesco does. But seriously, go pick one up yourself.